Magic Tricks and Trunks and Tics

Hola!

(Oh dang! Is it too much of an enthusiastic greeting? [Who says 'dang' anymore? Even in their minds? Where does that word even come fro.....?] What am i coming across as? I mean surely ---'s going to laugh at me for sounding so-oh forced...)

This is me! I'm going to lead you through my papercranelife and maybe introduce you to my papercranewife and then we're all going to be the best of chums. In a sense.

(There. That is me. 
They say that a woman is supposed to be enigmatic. A woman of mystery, seducing the world by how little she tells them, charming them by her enchantress' ways... 

But the only sort of woman i know how to be is the 'I'm all in' girl. 

...Ahthaaat! That is probably why i'm so insecure...hmmm....new point for me to ponder [and for you to roll your eyes about because it only gets bigger and badde...] to the end of the world. 

[Seriously, woman. 
If Marvin the Paranoid Android needs a mate, you're it. You can get together and have frowning- little-worried-half-to-death-but-not-dying-so-they-can-panic-some-more babies and then all will be right with the world. 
Jeez, woman!]
Shh...

So you see, you're going to know all about me in the first few cosmic instants of our becoming acquainted. You may not know the nittygritty about my day and the little things that may or may not happen [even though i make a note of all those things so i always have something interesting to say {oh crap, i won't say them to you because that might mean that i am talking about me...and you might not rank that among your top qualities in a 'me' AND I DON'T WANT TO PUT YOU OFF...*breathe breathe breathe*} to you about the way my life progresses]simply because they are inconsequential until they become fossilised events of the past. 

BUT i digressish.
Here's the deal, i put the whole trunk in front of you, open it rather ceremoniously and with a lot of loud giggling and clawing at your wrist and burning eyes and all that jazz and i'll throw things at you from it. And basically it will be empty in just a tick and you will be staggering under the weight of the mad stack of all my hats and masks and the flouncing, snaking scarves and the odd feather boa of a riot of colours...and then you will...)

No,
you will not. You will stay. You.

Who wouldn't love you?

     He asked me, in that calculated tone-- when i told him that i had not blogged in a long time-- 'Is it because of me?' and i had, honestly, answered him, 'yes.' Now it is because of him that i am here again.

     I've been plagued by the tenacity of definitions. Or shall i put it this way-- by the tenacity of conventional definitions. They're the sort of creatures that swim around at your ankles like a great slime of eels and if you allow them to, they will take for themselves the pleasure of sneaking in through your ankles and riding up your nerves into your brain.  

      But enough of the grimness. It makes me forget what I started out wanting to talk about.
      The ones out there that i count into the 'friends' bit, the ones that make me incoherent and illogical with mad happiness, the ones that make me want to say things that are incredibly smart but all i end up doing in whinnying like a joyous horse and saying something terribly inane. This is for you, all of you that make it bright and shiny in the corridors of memory and also the only ones that are capable of turning the lights out so fast-- when i spin into the dark labyrinth of need and desolation. All it takes is the thought that i haven't been there the way the movies and the sictoms and the facebook albums make it out to be. I have definitely not taken a call from you or not replied to a text...surely (and this, without doubt) i have not been there to meet you when you were over for a flying visit. I may have (and i have) made promises about visits to your wonderful cities-- maybe come there and returned without a glimpse of you-- but there is one thing for sure, you have been on my mind.

*       In sickness and in guilt, in happiness and in the throes of any romance-- whether it be the romance of a new city or a passtime or the real thing, i have thought of you. I have bragged about you and i have made no bones of being a bad friend. I have been. But all the while, i have (always) known that there is nothing that would stop me if you asked for help. If you said the words, and you asked me to do what you need me to do, i'd do it.

      Now comes the time to talk about the times that i haven't. If ever. Give me that chance, please. I'm sure it will be worth your while. There is rarely the freedom to come to you for fun and there is always the feeling of prioritising the 'wrong' things, but do know, that this retardedly affectionate psycho, loves the crap out of you. And i do.

     And i get jealous too.

*sigh*

I love you guys. :)

*The picture is symbolic.